'Jersey Shore' Season 5, Episode 1 'Season 5 Premiere' Recap

Season five starts with a quick recap of the disasters of season four: Snooki's ridiculous dancing, the gang's complete lack of sightseeing, Mike's unfortunate problem of being Mike...

And before you know it, the gang is on a plane (first class of course) flying back to the States. Somehow, Snooki is sober. I think. Then again, when the problem of who will room with Mike comes up, she willingly reminds us that she peed in her bed last year. So who knows. She could be wasted already.

They run in the house like they were a bunch of 8-year-olds running through the gates of Disneyland. Vinny dry humps Pauly in his bed. You know, same ol'.

Looks like Mike will once again be rooming with Ronnie and Sammi, which might as well be accompanied by a music sting signaling doom. Snooki looks happy though, as she drinks at least half a jar of pickle juice. I pause my DVR so that I may quickly vomit.

Look at how clean this house is! T-minus 20 minutes until it's covered in garbage and probably on fire.

The guys are off to GTL, as Pauly complains that he is "tanorexic." I HAVE AN EMERGENCY, he screams, as he runs into the tanning salon. Ronnie, predictably, is happiest about the G part. Then it's barbership time, where Vinny gets himself a buzzed mohawk. Eventful day.

Things get a little more exciting as the gang shows up to the bar and is surprised by all of their friends and family. The emotional music cues up, which somehow doesn't fit great as Snooki reunites with Jionni and sobs. It does work, however, with Vinny, who is getting seriously emotional about seeing his family again. Aww.

Sitch's friend "The Unit" is here tonight, and Sitch starts going off about "the witnesses" to his and Snooki's hookup. Mike tells Snooki that Unit is going to stay at the house. Snooki flips out and starts yelling at Unit as Mike repeats "stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop."

"Your name's f**king Unit, you moron," says the girl who goes by Snooki.

The best part about this premiere is the commercial break commentary from the cast, as they try to share the three microphones that they have. Couldn't they have gotten them a few more?

Sure enough, Unit comes back to the house, and Mike says that "this is hurricane Situation, and it's headed straight for Snooki island." Didn't he say that last season? Is Mike actually repeating his dumb catchphrases now?

Pauly makes out with Ry, which makes Deena jealous, because apparently Deena still thinks she has a chance with Pauly after getting shot down about ten times in Italy. So Pauly settles for Vinny's sloppy seconds, but the line of the day goes to Vin: "If she sleeps with Ronnie, it's like guido bingo."

Vinny pines about missing his family, setting the scene for his inevitable departure. Ronnie mocks him, from the safety of the talking head room, about his mom still wiping his ass. I guess when you think about it, Vin hasn't been away for more than 5 months or so, so... yeah, he should probably get over it and enjoy the million dollars he's making this season.

Anybody else falling asleep at this point? Vinny keeps whining about wanting to go home, and Mike keeping harping on about Jionni. So much for everyone being excited to be in Seaside. The preview of the season doesn't help either, as everyone seems really bummed out about Vinny.